Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
