I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
