and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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