She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
