i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
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Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
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Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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