I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I currently don't understand fingers.
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