I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Congratulations! We have a period
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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