im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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