There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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