i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
