so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
