in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
In America we eat man semen.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My bed smells like the plague
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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