he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
