okay pat passed out under dana's car
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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