He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
