He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
