I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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