one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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