The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
