either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
