dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
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i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
im on a boat
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