please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
