So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We had to coat check the pizza.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
