ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
