I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
