I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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