2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
