Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
