Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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