I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
