Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
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I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
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There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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