We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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