i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
