I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
