I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
