Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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