Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You were trust falling into bushes
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
