i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
