i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
