just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
And then he peed in my hair
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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