I think im going to throw up on grandma
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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