I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
