You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
