you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
