Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
