Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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