Sponge bath it is.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
