47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
