Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
