I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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