My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
