the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
