My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
